Becoming

Becoming sounds romantic, like the transformation of a butterfly that spreads it's wings and takes off as if gravity wouldn't exist and the wind would only assist. It's not as romantic to think of the dying off, the decay, the pain of losing onself and not knowing where to begin to exist again within the chaos of it all. At times this becoming wakes us up right after midnight to stare with it's glass eyes into us demanding answers to questions we've been avoiding, pushing us to do the things we said we had no time for during the day time (in whole honesty kowing that not the time here is the issue), asking us to be the one we were always meant but never allowed ourselves to be, keeping our eyes wide open to the truths we turned away from. Becoming is not easy, nor optional. It dawns on us, lingers until we're the most vulnerable and strikes us into the most tender parts for us to really get the message. There's nothing romantic about that. More like blatantly, glaringly truthful in the most unconvenient of ways. It's the kid, who says the most unfiltered things and the parent, who knows that in order to grow you must stretch and sometimes break, in the same room as you, talking to both of your ears at the same time until they ring and you can only hear yourself. Then the true becoming starts. For the first time in years you get to hear your own voice, coming from deep down inside. At first in extremely faint, barely noticable voice, which slowly getting stronger, a bit gutteral, a bit primal it bubbles up. That "IT" is the answer, the thing you most needed to hear, the unshakable truth you can't unknow or unhear, the one that calls you to act and act now, doesn't matter how uncomfortable it might be. The time is now and it CAN'T wait. That thing is the priority and you can't escape it. It's also usually the thing you are most affraid of so here's a chance to go straight into the fear's den, hooray!

I would want to say that the reward is worth the struggle and that there's only pots of gold on the other side. But I can't. There's mess and chaos even after the "becoming" part and piecing what's left of us is another can of worms to tackle. But even with all the struggle, becoming helps us mitigate the suffering in life. When we feel pain and refuse to do anything about it, it becomes suffering. If we go into the discomfort and pain, walk through them, then we grow, we change and we work through things much more effectively than if we would have been avoinding our point of pain, pretending that it's nothing, that it will pass by itself. It usually doesn't or leave us calcified in places we wouldn't want that. So here's to becoming, which throws us into unknown so that we could know ourselves better.