Week 31. Murky Waters

Usually we tend to think of ourselves as being a good person but are we really?

A lot of dark, unpleasant things came up to me this week. Things that I tought I have dealt with, like childish angry comments. The ones we tend to have when we have a big emotion, don’t know how to deal with it and the only way we know how to let it out is to blurt out some word or a phrase we think sounds cool, while in reality it is hurtful. I’ve caught myself having an inner monologue with this mean child, who I was for a very short time in my life. Back then it was shut down really quickly with shame and humiliation, needless to say I needed quite some time in therapy for that in my adult years. Although I thought that I’ve dealt with this, it came back this week. This time, curiosity got the better of me. The meanness masked insecurity and fear which I did not realize I was feeling at the moment. Instead of shaming myself for those thoughts or this monologue, I asked myself what I needed in that moment and the answer popped up instantly. When I solved it, the meanness evaporated.

This week I also found myself walking through slimy water, trying to find a spot to swim in (in some places we’ve experienced summer heat so everybody was trying to cool themselves down the best ways they know how). No matter how far I went around, being able to go only ankle deep, I couldn’t find a less muddy, sludgy spot. Being grossed out by the sliminess between my toes actually got me thinking that we all are a combination of murky and clear waters, only the proportions vary. I would even go so far as to say that these proportions change every single day, only ever so slightly that we usually don’t notice until the difference is quite big. Just like with getting sick, falling into depression or burnout, it’s not a one day event. It piles up and accumulates over time, until it explodes. That one negative thought about ourselves that we didn’t catch and stop can accumulate so much mud that, in time, it’s hard to see anything positive about ourselves. It’s not to say that we have to police or monitor every intrusive thought, rather than being conscious about what is happening inside us, what we can do to help ourselves be and show up in the world the way it’s healthier for us and the ones around us.

Have a proportionate week.