Week 37. Emotions

Needless to say, it’s not the easiest of topics to discuss but this week seems appropriate to touch on this.

From an early age we are shown that emotions are embarrassing, inappropriate, too uncomfortable for others to handle, ignored or downright laughed at. All of these things don’t really invite us to lean into what we’re feeling, much less, express it. So we learn to cope, to mask what we feel and to ignore ourselves. Then when a big emotion comes up in our adult life, we’re completely lost, feeling helpless to do anything about it and feel so much shame for even having these big emotions. The longer we tend to suppress or hide from our own emotions, the stronger they are trying to be seen and felt. Naturally, we don’t want to have them around because we have adult things to do, to be responsible, to pay the bills. We don’t have time to cry like a two year old who feels neglected or rejected, we don’t have the patience to sit with ourselves until we figure out why the knot in our throats don’t allow us to speak, why we’re on a brink of tears standing in a queue at the grocery shop, or why we’re hurting so badly around the chest area right now. On my journey to discover my own emotions I was so afraid that if I let out one tiny emotion, then everything that I’ve been bottling up will explode and blow my head off (most probably everyone around me too). When I actually started letting them out, they came out slowly, like they were not fully trusting that I’m not going to shove them back down. As I was stretching my capacity to feel them (in therapy and working on my own), more and more came out, so for me, they came as I was getting ready to experience them. Some where trickling like a small barely visible stream, some gushed in a wave with stormy winds, blowing my socks off. Still, most of the time I kept reminding myself that I am ready for whatever comes, I can handle it, otherwise it wouldn’t be surfacing at this time. Let me tell you, it was a journey. And still is. I probably wouldn’t write about this topic this week if it wouldn’t be but I’ve been numb to my emotions for good 20 years and I would never go back. Even when the feelings seem a bit too big to handle, I would still choose to feel them any day, rather than to live a numb, lukewarm existence without feeling a thing, which I have experienced, so can actually compare.

If this week some grand emotions come knocking on your heart’s door, please consider to sit with it, even when it feels uncomfortable. You can imagine them like a homeless person sitting on a bench next to you – it might be uncomfortable at first but try to talk to them, try to understand where they are coming from and what they want from you. Usually emotions are like messengers, trying to tell you something about your experience in the world, trying to nudge you to act, if it’s a heated emotion, to invite you to look at things that don’t satisfy you, if it’s an unpleasant emotion. It’s a call to hear and understand yourself better, maybe to stop ignoring yourself after a long time, just out of an old habit.

This week seems to touch things from a long, long time ago because the music spice of this week was from movies I've seen ten plus years ago. Seemingly out of nowhere I started singing “Think of Me” from “The Phantom of the Opera” quietly to myself at work (which I sometimes do. If you come across this, please don’t interrupt the process 😀). I haven’t listened to the song for over a decade but still could remember it quite well, which surprised me even more. By the way, I’m talking about the movie version with Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum - actors who also have beautiful singing voices. Another song was from “Moulin Rouge”, a movie I saw twelve years ago but bits and pieces of the song “Come What May” rang in my head out of nowhere right this week. There are a lot of different versions of it but I prefer the movie one, the orchestral one. Again, the actors proved to have amazing singing voices which takes you for an emotional journey throughout the song, of course, stemming from the base of gorgeously crafted score. Maybe both of these songs came up this week to talk about big, indescribable emotions which at times come up so uncontrollably strong and washes over all words or descriptions so only music can help express bits of the scope and depth of what we are feeling. Talking about the power of music, right?

I hope this week goes easy on you, dear reader, but if it doesn’t, please remember that you are prepared to handle everything that comes your way, and flow with the current. If it’s nothing you can do about it, go along with it and see where it takes you.

Have a beautifully emotive week.